"

Gay couples deserve equal civil rights

A few weeks ago, a 17-year-old lesbian in Mississippi challenged her school district’s rules that would prevent her from escorting her girlfriend to the prom. Her prom was canceled. Although a federal judge ruled Tuesday that the school board violated the student’s rights, the prom was not reinstated.

What is the matter with this country? Is being a lesbian so horrible that we must deny her and her fellow students their prom experience?

I’m sure there are a few of you out there saying, “Yes, lesbianism is so horrible. Homosexuality is an abomination!” And you’re right. According to Leviticus 18:22, homosexuality is detestable. But to all of you who believe this, I ask — are we really going to interpret the Bible so literally in this modern day and age?

A scene from NBC’s “The West Wing” comes to mind. After a Dr. Laura type informs Martin Sheen’s character, President Bartlet, that the Bible says homosexuality is an abomination, the President begins to question her.

“I’m interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She’s a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be?”

He also mentions Exodus 35:2: “Whoever does any work on the Sabbath must be put to death.”

And then Leviticus 11:7: “Touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean.”
“If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point?” Can UGA? And the list goes on and on.

One of the most foolish arguments is that it’s a slippery slope if we allow gays to get married. “What’s next — marrying an animal?” opponents always ask.

Why do so many people go straight to marrying donkeys whenever gay marriage is mentioned? Need I remind you, a donkey is not human. I think it’s safe to say that marriage can be kept between human beings, although it’s clear who the real asses are here.

Now, I realize gay rights and gay marriage are two totally different issues. But for the sake of space, let’s kill two birds with one stone. To those of you who are OK with homosexuality, but oppose gay marriage, I have to ask: Do you really think the government should have the right to tell people where or how they can get married?

Why don’t we leave it up to the individual institutions to decide, a concept the constitution refers to as separation of church and state. I knew those Founding Fathers were onto something!

Some people argue that by allowing gays to get married, we’re increasing the possibility that more gays will begin adopting children, as if this were a negative thing.
It’s quite the opposite actually. A review of nine studies, published by The New Press, revealed no significant differences between children of homosexuals and children of heterosexuals with regards to self-esteem, moral judgment and intelligence.

Another flawed argument is that gay marriage would weaken the institution of marriage. With a divorce rate at 50 percent among heterosexuals, I can’t help but wonder how many Americans truly value marriage of any kind anymore.

Interestingly, in Massachusetts — one of five states that allow gay marriage — the divorce rate is about where the U.S. divorce rate was in 1940: 20 percent, according to the most recent data from the National Center for Vital Statistics.

And finally, the law in most states is discriminatory against gays, as they are not afforded the same rights as heterosexuals (i.e. tax breaks, insurance benefits and over 1,000 other matrimonial perks). And picture this, dear reader: gays cannot visit their partners if they are dying in the hospital no matter how long they’ve been in a committed relationship.

One of my closest friends has a gay parent. My friend is one of the most kind, sane, compassionate people I know and she was raised by a gay man. It breaks my heart to think of her dad as not being able to include his partner on his insurance plan or visit him if he was hospitalized, even though they’ve been living together for almost six years.

We are a constantly evolving society. Allowing women to vote was revolutionary in its time. So was allowing people of all races to be equal under the law. Now it’s time to allow two people of the same sex to legally share their lives together.

For as far as our country has come in so many areas of human decency, I can’t fathom how we now can be so shortsighted on an issue that affects so many.

"
— A column I wrote for The Red & Black

--Tagged under: advice--

How-To: Never Pay Full Price Again

I am a self-proclaimed bargain hunter.  I rarely pay full-price for anything… mainly because it’s so easy not to.  There are so many websites offering discounts, so many companies willing to give you cash back or miles, and so many establishments offering rewards that’s it’s almost more work to pay full-price than it is to find a deal.  Whether you’re going to a movie, a spa or a concert or you’re buying a TV, shoes or dinner, with this guide, you’ll NEVER have to pay full-price again.

Here are some of the ways that I save money everyday:

1.     Discount Gift Cards/Certificates 

There are tons of local companies offering discounted gift cards/certificates all over the country.  Whether you need a car wash, a good meal, a massage or event tickets, you can get them all at discounted prices!  Here are a few of my favorites:

·      Groupon: features a daily deal on the best stuff to do, see, eat, and buy in a variety of cities across the United States.

·      Living Social: offers one fantastic deal every day with discounts of up to 90% at local restaurants, bars, spas, theaters, and more.

·      Buy With Meoffers handpicked promotions, partnering with businesses of all types to showcase the best that they can offer.

**Not as nationalized as Groupon or Living Social, and if they don’t get enough buys, the deal is off (but you won’t be charged). 

·      Half-off Depotoffers gift certificates at 90% off

**Make sure you plan ahead and purchase each gift certificate two weeks before you’ll need to use it, as it usually takes about that long for them to arrive in the mail.  Look out for “Printable” offers as you can use those instantly!

·      Restaurant.comoffers gift certificates to participating restaurants all around the country

**Read the fine print.  Often times you have to spend a minimum amount at the restaurant, and alcohol and tip is often excluded.  Make sure you look for promo codes, you can usually save up to 80% off!

·      Gold Star: Fun ideas, half-price tickets, member reviews and everything you need for great nights out

·      Spafinder: Buy gift certificates at SpaFinder using promo codes like this one: SBCG for 10% off.  Then, redeem them at any of the 5,000 participating spas around the globe.  

·      Great Spa Escapes: Same deal as SpaFinder, except you can choose from over 30,000 spas.  Try promo code MLB25 for 25% off. 

·      Cardpool: Buy (at up to 30% off), sell (at up to 90% off), or trade your gift cards in a safe and secure environment.

·      Wootoffers a new item every single day at an extremely discounted price

2.     Get Rewarded for Shopping

If you’re going to be spending money anyway, you might as well make some money doing it.  Whether it’s cash back, skymiles or reward points at your favorite store, you should never buy anything without being rewarded for it in some way.  Here are a few of the best rewards programs I’ve found:

·      Ebates: Ebates is the pioneer and leader of online Cash Back Shopping. Simply sign up for free, and start shopping.  Just make sure you click your retailer of choice through Ebates’ website.  And four times a year or more, you’ll get a check from Ebates.  Talk about free money!

·      Skymiles Shopping: Every time you shop, you can be earning miles. Select your airline of choice (Delta and American Airlines both have great programs) and simply click on a retailer’s name or logo, shop online as usual and you’ll earn miles for the purchases you make during that session. It’s that easy.

·      Retailer Rewards:

Coffee: Addicted to coffee?  Buy a gift card at Starbucks and start saving on every purchase!  With My Starbucks Rewards, you’ll earn 1 Star every time you pay with your Card. And as you collect Stars, you move up to bigger benefits.

Movie Theaters:  Going to the movies is one of the most expensive, non-luxurious activities you could do on a Friday night.  But it’s so fun!  Join your favorite theater’s rewards program and watch the points start adding up!  Or try buying gift certificates at Costo for less!

Stores:  Which stores do you shop at the most?  Consider signing up for a credit card or a reward card with them and you’ll receive tons of great perks.  A few of my favorites: Sephora, Nordstrom, Gap

·      Reward Credit Cards: As long as you pay your balance in full each month, it’s crazy not to have a rewards credit card.  Where do you shop the most?  What rewards are you interested in?  Find the right card for you using comparison sites and start getting rewarded for every day expenses!  I personally am a big fan of Amex’s Blue Cash Card.  I made $150 last year using my card!

3.     Find Discounts Online:

·      RetailmenotI’ve found this site to be the most comprehensive, successful site for online shopping promo codes and coupons.  I don’t think I’ve ever bought anything online that I haven’t been able to use a promo code from Retailmenot. 

·      Alice: provides you a cost effective way to manage all of your household essentials online and never clip a coupon again!  This site is amazing and so user-friendly.  

·      Travel:  Find the best prices at Kayak.  Then, check out Travelocity’s “My Dates are Flexible.” By clicking this box– even if your dates aren’t flexible– you have access to some of the cheapest prices possible.

·      Movie Rentals: Before paying full price, check out your local library. Or sign up for a RedBox account and you’ll get a code for a free movie rental texted to your cell phone every Monday.

·      Gas Buddy: Check out this website before filling up to find the best deal in your area .

  

And finally, here is a checklist to follow for your next online purchase to ensure you get the best deal: 

  

1.     What are you buying?  Google the items or check www.thefind.com.  Note the names of the merchants offering the three best prices (include shipping charges).

2.     Check the skymile and rebate sites. Determine which one will offer you the best reward.

3.     Find promo codes and coupons using Retailmenot. If you can’t find one there, try Googling the merchant name and “coupon code” or “promo code”.

4.     Log into Ebates.  Click whichever merchant name offers your product for the lowest price with the highest rebate. 

5.     Log into skymile shopping site of your choice. Click same merchant name as above. 

6.     Select your items using the last window to open.

7.     Go to the checkout screen, and enter your coupon code.

8.     Complete purchase with a rewards card.

9.     Follow up to ensure you receive your rewards.

** Source: http://www.getrichslowly.org/blog/2009/08/14/how-to-earn-free-plane-tickets-and-cash-back-by-shopping-online/

 A few more websites with great savings:

Lovelyskin:  They’ll match the lowest price of any other retailer and they carry thousands of products including specialty cosmeceuticals for unique dermatological conditions such as wrinkles, acne, dry feet, and ingrown hairs.  They often have great promotions, too!


 

--Tagged under: advice--

--Tagged under: personal finance--

iamnotablogger:

Are you a relatively educated, culturally with-it young person looking to live in a city with same? Well, here is your list of places to live. Above, from left to right and top to bottom, are America’s best metropolitan areas for young adults, as calculated by Portfolio. They picked cities with “strong growth rates, moderate cost of living, and lots of those under 34 years old who are college-educated and employed.”

Of course, for any individual trying to pick a place to live, factors like where your friends are, and the kind of career you want to have, will outweigh all of this. If you want to be in the film industry you’re not going to move to Raleigh, North Carolina, no matter what Portfolio says.

(Both Columbus and Cincinnati made the list…even though you’ll probably get shot in Cincy so I wouldn’t advise it.)

Thanks to Pragmatism for this!

--Tagged under: advice--

A column I wrote for the Red and Black (UGA’s student newspaper)

--Tagged under: advice--

As college graduation is approaching, I’m asked with increasing frequency what my next steps are going to be.  Where am I going to live?  What do I want to do for my career?  How am I going to support myself?  It can be overwhelming.  One thing I do know, though, is that my finances are going play an integral role in my success over the next few years—who am I kidding… for the rest of my life.  So, I asked Get Smart’s financial expert Shannah Compton to help me come up with a few things I can add to my ever-growing to do list to secure my financial future.  Here’s what she came up with:
Shannah: I can still clearly remember graduating from college. For me, that day was almost 11 years ago. I remember being so full of energy and excitement for what the world had in store for me.  I remember having the “senior swagger”, which for me was an untouchable feeling that I was on top of the world.  I also remember having absolutely no clue how I was going to operate in the “real word.”
I always thought that on the day after I graduated a special fairy came down and tapped me on the shoulder and reveled this great plan for how my life was to progress from that point.  The special “graduation fairy” would tell me which job to take, where to live, who to marry.  And of course with that I would quickly have an ever growing account balance and know exactly which financial decisions to make.
I know you won’t admit it, but don’t you secretly wish we did have a “graduation fairy?”
My 20’s were pretty rocky, filled with a lot of trial and error, especially where my finances were concerned.  This learning curve can be pretty steep, especially when you don’t have your peers to turn to for advice—they are experiencing the same highs and lows as you are even if they don’t want to talk about it. So what do you do? How do you know where to start?
Below is my 6 Point Checklist that I wish my “graduation fairy” would have whispered in my ear!
1. Create a Cash Compass:
A cash compass, also known as your monthly budget, is the most essential item you can prepare on a monthly basis to get yourself pointed in the right direction. Would you be surprised to know that many of my million dollar earning clients still don’t have a budget? And even though they earn that much money, they are in worse financial shape than you and me!
My point is that you never have too little or too much money to take this important step.
So where do you start? It’s simple. Create a 12 month excel spreadsheet with tabs for each month.  The sheet should look like this:
Income  Expenses
(Income items listed on the left side) (ALL expenses listed on    right side)
Total Income - Total Expenses = Net Income 
*Your goal is for Net Income to be positive
There are 2 important rules to your cash compass=
(1) That you always list all of your expenses, even things such as haircuts, groceries, ATM withdrawals, etc.
 
(2) That any positive net is put into a savings account each month. 
2. Build Your Score:
Your credit score is one of the single most important numbers that you will ever possess. This little 3 digit number will dictate how much you have to pay when you buy a car, a house, borrow a loan, etc. I joke that you should first ask your potential wife or husband what their credit score is. If acceptable, then you can marry them!
You need to open a credit card in your name to begin building your score. Like most things in life you need to use credit to get credit. But you must remember to use it wisely and follow these rules:
(1) Always pay off the balance every month 
(2) Apply for a credit card that offers some sort of reward program (cash back, airline miles, etc.) You should always be getting something for your money.
3. Savings, Savings, Savings:
Most financial professionals will tell you to open a savings account and aim for saving at least 10% of your take home income every month.  This is your goal, but not where you start if you are new to saving.
I suggest you start with a modest 2-3% of your take home pay for 6 months. Once you are comfortable with that, stretch yourself and see if you can increase that to 5% for the next 6 months. Once you have made savings a habit, increase your savings, if you can, to 8-10% for the following years. You may not always be able to hit this target every month but the goal is to put forth an effort and create a habit.
Always look for ways to build your savings too. Great ideas are if you get a raise, or if you get money back from your tax returns. Another idea is to find ways to use any special talents you may have to make some extra money. For example, I love to cook and could offer weekend cooking classes to friends and charge them $20 each. There are tons of creative ideas once you start thinking about your unique talents.
4. Protect Your Identity:
 
Identity theft is a real threat, especially since we do so much on our computers. You’re on Facebook- and then Twitter- and then Email- and then back to Facebook. You would be surprised how easy it is for someone to hack into your computer and steal your social security number, passwords, bank balances, etc.
So, not only is it important to create your cash compass, build your credit, and save, but you have to also make sure that you are protected.
There are many different identity theft programs out there. Most offer monthly payments or an annual payment at a discount. Be sure to make this an important item in your expense column for your cash compass.
If you can’t afford an identity theft program, at least take a couple of steps to safeguard your information.
(1) Make sure your computer is protected by a firewall of some sort.
 
(2) Make sure you change your passwords frequently and keep a list of the passwords somewhere other than your computer.
5. Protect Your Most Valuable Asset- Your Health
Make sure you are still covered under your parents’ health insurance plan once you graduate. You’ve probably never thought about it, but if you were ever sick or hurt and needed to spend time in the hospital, and you didn’t have health insurance, you could have a bill in the 10’s to 100’s of thousands of dollars. It could quickly bankrupt you and or your parents. This is no way to start out your financial future.
Most colleges offer a discounted plan to graduates. If you are not covered by your parents’ plan, check out the plan offered by your college. At least put in place a catastrophe policy- meaning a policy that will cover you in the “oh my god” instances. These types of policies usually have a much lower premium but still provide you with enough coverage should you have a major accident or get sick.
6. Bonus Item- Read These Important Books
1.     Think and Grow Rich, by Napoleon Hill
2.     One Up on Wall Street, by Peter Lynch

As college graduation is approaching, I’m asked with increasing frequency what my next steps are going to be.  Where am I going to live?  What do I want to do for my career?  How am I going to support myself?  It can be overwhelming.  One thing I do know, though, is that my finances are going play an integral role in my success over the next few years—who am I kidding… for the rest of my life.  So, I asked Get Smart’s financial expert Shannah Compton to help me come up with a few things I can add to my ever-growing to do list to secure my financial future.  Here’s what she came up with:

Shannah: I can still clearly remember graduating from college. For me, that day was almost 11 years ago. I remember being so full of energy and excitement for what the world had in store for me.  I remember having the “senior swagger”, which for me was an untouchable feeling that I was on top of the world.  I also remember having absolutely no clue how I was going to operate in the “real word.”

I always thought that on the day after I graduated a special fairy came down and tapped me on the shoulder and reveled this great plan for how my life was to progress from that point.  The special “graduation fairy” would tell me which job to take, where to live, who to marry.  And of course with that I would quickly have an ever growing account balance and know exactly which financial decisions to make.

I know you won’t admit it, but don’t you secretly wish we did have a “graduation fairy?”

My 20’s were pretty rocky, filled with a lot of trial and error, especially where my finances were concerned.  This learning curve can be pretty steep, especially when you don’t have your peers to turn to for advice—they are experiencing the same highs and lows as you are even if they don’t want to talk about it. So what do you do? How do you know where to start?

Below is my 6 Point Checklist that I wish my “graduation fairy” would have whispered in my ear!

1. Create a Cash Compass:

A cash compass, also known as your monthly budget, is the most essential item you can prepare on a monthly basis to get yourself pointed in the right direction. Would you be surprised to know that many of my million dollar earning clients still don’t have a budget? And even though they earn that much money, they are in worse financial shape than you and me!

My point is that you never have too little or too much money to take this important step.

So where do you start? It’s simple. Create a 12 month excel spreadsheet with tabs for each month.  The sheet should look like this:

Income Expenses

(Income items listed on the left side) (ALL expenses listed on    right side)

Total Income - Total Expenses = Net Income

*Your goal is for Net Income to be positive

There are 2 important rules to your cash compass=

(1) That you always list all of your expenses, even things such as haircuts, groceries, ATM withdrawals, etc.

(2) That any positive net is put into a savings account each month.

2. Build Your Score:

Your credit score is one of the single most important numbers that you will ever possess. This little 3 digit number will dictate how much you have to pay when you buy a car, a house, borrow a loan, etc. I joke that you should first ask your potential wife or husband what their credit score is. If acceptable, then you can marry them!

You need to open a credit card in your name to begin building your score. Like most things in life you need to use credit to get credit. But you must remember to use it wisely and follow these rules:

(1) Always pay off the balance every month

(2) Apply for a credit card that offers some sort of reward program (cash back, airline miles, etc.) You should always be getting something for your money.

3. Savings, Savings, Savings:

Most financial professionals will tell you to open a savings account and aim for saving at least 10% of your take home income every month.  This is your goal, but not where you start if you are new to saving.

I suggest you start with a modest 2-3% of your take home pay for 6 months. Once you are comfortable with that, stretch yourself and see if you can increase that to 5% for the next 6 months. Once you have made savings a habit, increase your savings, if you can, to 8-10% for the following years. You may not always be able to hit this target every month but the goal is to put forth an effort and create a habit.

Always look for ways to build your savings too. Great ideas are if you get a raise, or if you get money back from your tax returns. Another idea is to find ways to use any special talents you may have to make some extra money. For example, I love to cook and could offer weekend cooking classes to friends and charge them $20 each. There are tons of creative ideas once you start thinking about your unique talents.

4. Protect Your Identity:

Identity theft is a real threat, especially since we do so much on our computers. You’re on Facebook- and then Twitter- and then Email- and then back to Facebook. You would be surprised how easy it is for someone to hack into your computer and steal your social security number, passwords, bank balances, etc.

So, not only is it important to create your cash compass, build your credit, and save, but you have to also make sure that you are protected.

There are many different identity theft programs out there. Most offer monthly payments or an annual payment at a discount. Be sure to make this an important item in your expense column for your cash compass.

If you can’t afford an identity theft program, at least take a couple of steps to safeguard your information.

(1) Make sure your computer is protected by a firewall of some sort.

(2) Make sure you change your passwords frequently and keep a list of the passwords somewhere other than your computer.

5. Protect Your Most Valuable Asset- Your Health

Make sure you are still covered under your parents’ health insurance plan once you graduate. You’ve probably never thought about it, but if you were ever sick or hurt and needed to spend time in the hospital, and you didn’t have health insurance, you could have a bill in the 10’s to 100’s of thousands of dollars. It could quickly bankrupt you and or your parents. This is no way to start out your financial future.

Most colleges offer a discounted plan to graduates. If you are not covered by your parents’ plan, check out the plan offered by your college. At least put in place a catastrophe policy- meaning a policy that will cover you in the “oh my god” instances. These types of policies usually have a much lower premium but still provide you with enough coverage should you have a major accident or get sick.

6. Bonus Item- Read These Important Books

1.     Think and Grow Rich, by Napoleon Hill

2.     One Up on Wall Street, by Peter Lynch

--Tagged under: advice--

--Tagged under: personal finance--

--Tagged under: Shannah Compton--

--Tagged under: graduation--

This spring is my last spring as a college student, and it’s not proving to be easy.  20 credit hours, lots of coffee and multiple tearful breakdowns later, I’m trying to find ways to chill out and relieve some stress.  I think these CD’s are a necessity.  Finally, a way to listen to relaxing music without feeling like you have to pee (those babbling brooks aren’t messing around).
First up on my list, the rock classics (solely for “Into the Mystic”)… but the Beatles compilation isn’t far behind.

This spring is my last spring as a college student, and it’s not proving to be easy.  20 credit hours, lots of coffee and multiple tearful breakdowns later, I’m trying to find ways to chill out and relieve some stress.  I think these CD’s are a necessity.  Finally, a way to listen to relaxing music without feeling like you have to pee (those babbling brooks aren’t messing around).

First up on my list, the rock classics (solely for “Into the Mystic”)… but the Beatles compilation isn’t far behind.

--Tagged under: stress relief--

--Tagged under: advice--

Food Network came out with the Top 50 Recipes of 2009.  So, to that end…
Top 3 Reasons to Cook at Home:
1.  Save money.  Cooking at home is cheaper than going out to eat, plain and simple.
2.  Eat healthier.  When you know exactly what’s going into your food, you can control how much fat, salt, sugar, etc. there is in each meal you prepare.  You’d be surprised to see just how bad for you simple meals out can be.  Case in point:  A burrito from On the Border.  My roommates and I went to eat there just last week and what I thought was a healthy choice (I mean how bad can grilled chicken, rice and beans really be for you?) turned out to be disgustingly fattening.  One Chicken Bordurrito = 1970 calories and 93 grams of fat.  Needless to say, that’s the last time I’ll be eating at On the Border.
3.  Have fun with cooking.  Trying new recipes and mastering exciting dishes can be incredibly fun and satisfying.  Not only that, but you and your friends can do pot lucks, supper clubs, or “family dinner nights” as we like to call it at my house.  You get to try other people’s favorite recipes and have a great meal altogether.  What’s better than that?

Food Network came out with the Top 50 Recipes of 2009.  So, to that end…

Top 3 Reasons to Cook at Home:

1.  Save money.  Cooking at home is cheaper than going out to eat, plain and simple.

2.  Eat healthier.  When you know exactly what’s going into your food, you can control how much fat, salt, sugar, etc. there is in each meal you prepare.  You’d be surprised to see just how bad for you simple meals out can be.  Case in point:  A burrito from On the Border.  My roommates and I went to eat there just last week and what I thought was a healthy choice (I mean how bad can grilled chicken, rice and beans really be for you?) turned out to be disgustingly fattening.  One Chicken Bordurrito = 1970 calories and 93 grams of fat.  Needless to say, that’s the last time I’ll be eating at On the Border.

3.  Have fun with cooking.  Trying new recipes and mastering exciting dishes can be incredibly fun and satisfying.  Not only that, but you and your friends can do pot lucks, supper clubs, or “family dinner nights” as we like to call it at my house.  You get to try other people’s favorite recipes and have a great meal altogether.  What’s better than that?


--Tagged under: advice--

--Tagged under: cooking--

--Tagged under: Top 50 Recipes--

--Tagged under: Food Network--

--Tagged under: food--

"It is nice to see a love story work out— but for me, the applause line isn’t that I married him, but that five years after meeting in Bali, we are actually still happy together…. marriage won’t make you happy if you’re not already happy. You have to be completely yourself first…be as strong an individual as you can be."
— Elizabeth Gilbert in an interview with Glamour Magazine, January 2009 issue, page 66

--Tagged under: advice--

--Tagged under: Elizabeth Gilbert Glamour Interview--

--Tagged under: marriage--

Tax Advice from the brilliant Bill Bryson

If any of you have attempted to do your own taxes, I’m sure you will be as amused by this bit as I was.  This book is one of the funniest that I’ve read in a long time.  I highly recommend it.

An excerpt from I’m a Stranger Here Myself:

Enclosed is your 1999 United States Internal Revenue service Tax Form 1040-ES OCR “Estimated Tax For Self-Employed Individuals.” You may use this form to estimate your 1999 fiscal year tax if:

  1. You are the head of a household and the sum of your spouse and dependents, minus the ages of qualifying pets (see Schedule 12G), is divisible by a whole number. (Use Supplementary Schedule 142C if pets are deceased but buried on your property)
  2. Your Gross Adjusted Income does not exceed your Adjusted Gross Income (except where applicable) and you did not pay taxable interest on dividend income prior to 1903
  3. You are not claiming a foreign tax credit, except as a “foreign” tax credit. (Warning: claiming for a foreign tax credit for a foreign “tax” credit, except where a foreign “tax credit” is involved, may result in a fine of $125,000 and 25 years imprisonment)
  4. You are not one of the following: married and filing jointly; married and not filing jointly; not married and not filing jointly; jointed but not filing; other.

INSTRUCTIONS

Type out all answers in ink with a number two lead pencil. Do not cross anything out. Do not use abbreviations or ditto marks. Do not mis-spell “miscellaneous”. Write your name, address and social security number, and the name, address and social security number of your spouse and dependents, in full on each page twice. Do not put a tick in a box marked “cross” or a cross in a box marked “tick” unless it is your wish to do the whole thing again. Do not write “Search Me” in any blank spaces. Do not make anything up.

Complete sections 47 to 52 first then proceed to even-numbered sections and complete in reverse order. Do not use this form if your total pensions and annuities disbursements were greater than your advanced earned income credits or vice versa.

Under “income”, list all wages, salaries, net foreign source taxable income, royalties, tips, gratuities, taxable interest, capital gains, air miles, pints paid on and money found down the back of the sofa. If your earnings are derived wholly, or partially but not primarily, or wholly and partially but not primarily from countries other than the United States (if uncertain, see USIA Leaflet 212W, “Countries That Are Not The United States”) or your rotated gross income from Schedule H was greater than your earned income credit on non-taxable net disbursements, you must include a Grantor/Transferor Waiver Voucher. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $1,500,000 and seizure of a child.

Under Section 890f, list total farm income (if none give details). If you were born after January 1, 1897, and are not a widow(er), include excess casualty losses and provide carryover figures for depreciation on line 27iii. You must list number of turkeys slaughtered for export. Subtract, but do not deduct, net gross dividends from pro rata interest payments, multiply by the total number of steps in your home and enter on line 356d.

On Schedule F1001, line c, list the contents of your garage. Include all electrical and non-electrical items on Schedule 295D but do not include any electrical or non-electrical items not listed on Supplementary Form 243d.

Under “Personal Expenditures”, itemize all cash expenditures of more than one dollar and include verification. If you have had dental work and you are not claiming a refund on the federal oil spill allowance, enter your shoe sizes since birth and enclose specimen shoes (Right foot only) Multiply by 1.5 or 1,319, whichever is larger, and divide line 3f by 3d. Under Section 912g, enter federal income support grants for the production of alfalfa, barley (but not sorghum, unless for home consumption) and okra whether or not you received any. Failure to do so may result in a fine on $3,750,000 and death by lethal injection.

If your children are dependent but not living at home, or living at home but not dependent, or dependent and living at home but hardly ever there and you are not claiming exemption for losses of maritime vessels in excess of 12,000 tonnes deadweight (15,000 tonnes if you are military personnel based in Canada) you must complete and include a Maritime Vessel Exemption Form. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $111,000,000 and a nuclear attack on a small, neutral country.

On Pages 924 through 926, Schedule D, enter the names of people you know personally who are Communist or use drugs (Use extra pages if necessary).

If you have interest earnings from savings accounts, securities, bearer bonds, certificates of deposit or other fiduciary instruments, but do not know your hat size, complete Supplementary Schedules 112d and 112f and enclose with all relevant tables. (Do not send chairs at this time.) Include, but do not collate, ongoing losses from mining investments, commodities transactions and organ transplants, divide by the number of motel visits you made in 1996, and enter in any remaining spaces. If you have unreimbursed employee expenses, tough.

To compute your estimated tax, add lines 27 through 964, deduct lines 45a and 699f from Schedule 2F (if greater or less than 2.2% of average alternative estimated tax for the last five years), multiply by the number of RPMs your car registers when stuck on ice, and add 2. If line 997 is smaller than line 998, start again. In the space marked “Tax Due”, write a very large figure.

Make your check payable to “Internal Revenue Service Of The United States Of America And To The Republic For Which It Stands, One Nation, Under God With Liberty And Justice For All” and mark for the attention of Connie. On the back of your check write your social security number, Taxpayer Identification Number, IRS Tax Code Audit Number(s), IRS Regional Office Sub-Unit Zone Number (unless you are filing a T/45 Sub-Unit Zone Exclusion Notice), sexual orientation and smoking preference and send to:

Internal Revenue Service Of The United States Of America
Tax Reception And Orientation Center
Building D
Annex G78
Suite 900
Subduction Zone 12
Box 132677-02
Drawer 2, About Halfway Back
Federal City
Maryland 10001

If you have any questions about filing, or require assistance with your return, phone 1-800-BUSY-SIGNAL. Thank you and have a prosperous 2000. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $125,000 and a long walk to the cooler.

--Tagged under: Bill Bryson--

--Tagged under: Tax Advice--

--Tagged under: advice--

A few months back, my adoring Mother bought these beauties, claiming they were the most comfortable shoes she’s ever worn that didn’t also make her look like she belonged in a retirement home.  Although the price tag was pretty steep, the saleswoman assured my mom that if she had any problems with them, she could bring them back in for repairs.  Three months later, the soles had grown a tad worn so mommy dearest decided she would swing by Nordstrom to see what they could do.
Shoe Repair at Nordstrom, Take 1:
Mom:  Hi, I bought these shoes a few months ago and I paid a lot of money for them, but I’m not very pleased with how they’re wearing. 
(Holds up the bottom of the shoe for salesman to see)
Salesman: Wow.  What size are they? 
Mom: 39
Salesman: Let me go in the back and get you another pair. 
Mom: What?  You can do that?
Salesman: We don’t want to just sell you a pair of shoes, Mrs. Parham.  We want you to be a lifetime customer.  Here is your brand new pair of $300 shoes for free.  Have a nice day!
I don’t know what to say, except that from now on… I’m buying every last pair of shoes from Nordstrom.

A few months back, my adoring Mother bought these beauties, claiming they were the most comfortable shoes she’s ever worn that didn’t also make her look like she belonged in a retirement home.  Although the price tag was pretty steep, the saleswoman assured my mom that if she had any problems with them, she could bring them back in for repairs.  Three months later, the soles had grown a tad worn so mommy dearest decided she would swing by Nordstrom to see what they could do.

Shoe Repair at Nordstrom, Take 1:

Mom:  Hi, I bought these shoes a few months ago and I paid a lot of money for them, but I’m not very pleased with how they’re wearing.

(Holds up the bottom of the shoe for salesman to see)

Salesman: Wow.  What size are they?

Mom: 39

Salesman: Let me go in the back and get you another pair.

Mom: What?  You can do that?

Salesman: We don’t want to just sell you a pair of shoes, Mrs. Parham.  We want you to be a lifetime customer.  Here is your brand new pair of $300 shoes for free.  Have a nice day!

I don’t know what to say, except that from now on… I’m buying every last pair of shoes from Nordstrom.

--Tagged under: Nordstrom customer service--

--Tagged under: shoe repair--

--Tagged under: advice--

What a great idea!  This is such an inexpensive, thoughtful (assuming you pick books from a list that suits the recipient) gift!  Thanks for the idea, jaclynday!
jaclynday:



NYCLust, I have a fabulous idea for your book gifts (love it, by the way—books are the best presents).
Pick a theme from Goodreads.com lists. For instance: Books That Everyone Should Read Once. 
Pick the top 2-5 books and look them up on Alibris.com—my absolute favorite book shopping website. 
Arrange the books in a package, with the theme written on a clever gift tag.
Now: let’s estimate the price of such an endeavor (based on the list above).
 To Kill a Mockingbird - $1.99
 Pride & Prejudice - $1.99
 Catcher in the Rye - $1.99
 Jane Eyre - $1.99
 Gift Tags - $4.50
Book shipping: either discounted or free 
Total - $12.46

What a great idea!  This is such an inexpensive, thoughtful (assuming you pick books from a list that suits the recipient) gift!  Thanks for the idea, jaclynday!

jaclynday:

NYCLust, I have a fabulous idea for your book gifts (love it, by the way—books are the best presents).

  1. Pick a theme from Goodreads.com lists. For instance: Books That Everyone Should Read Once.
  2. Pick the top 2-5 books and look them up on Alibris.com—my absolute favorite book shopping website.
  3. Arrange the books in a package, with the theme written on a clever gift tag.

Now: let’s estimate the price of such an endeavor (based on the list above).

Total - $12.46

--Tagged under: Gift Ideas--

--Tagged under: advice--

The Talk: What you and your significant other should be talking about

I read a story in Glamour the other day about different discussions every couple should have at some point in their relationship.  Now, if you know me, you know I tend to lean more toward cynicism in relationships than fairy-tale endings— I’m sorry, it’s just not likely a relationship will last (and you both will be happy) if you get married after 4 dates.  It’s not altogether impossible, but “It’s all about increasing your probability”, as my Dad would say.  That said, I am not anti-marriage (as some of my friends would like to believe) and I am definitely not anti-relationships.  I do wish that people would be slightly more realistic when selecting a mate and realize that marriage does not solve all of your problems or grant you freedoms you did not previously have (or so I hear, I suppose as a single twenty-something I am no expert on marriage), but I do actually want to get married someday.  I just want to stay married, so I’m taking my time.  And, as we’ve all been told countless times, communication is key.  So… to take a page from Glamour, here are 6 conversations that every couple should have:

1.  What did you really think when you first met?

2.  Do you believe in God?

3.  What little things do you love about each other?

4.  What was missing growing up?

5.  What would you change about each other?

6.  What are your greatest fears?

Plus… a few of my own:

7.  Are you a spender or a saver?  And furthermore… do you have any debt?

8.  Tell me about your parents’ marriage.

9.  Tell me about any significant relationships you’ve had (but spare me the gory details)

10.  Where do you see yourself in a year? How about 5?  How about 25?

--Tagged under: Relationship advice--

--Tagged under: lists--

--Tagged under: advice--

More Laundry Tips from Real Simple

More Laundry Tips from Real Simple

--Tagged under: laundry advice--

--Tagged under: advice--

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